It’s all about the "fight"

Over the weekend we had a lovely couple here. What we learned from them is that they are working on their relationship. They have agreed to make a commitment, and are now trying to see if they can create a future together. They are slightly older than some couples attempting this and find they are having challenges as both of them are rather set-in-their ways. They have both been single all their lives.

Looking to me and Maurice for conversation, not advice, they shared some details about some the things they have encountered with each other. One of the hardest things that have had to deal with is arguing. They seem to be constantly “at each other”. They do not think that couples should NOT argue...and of course, nor do I. I think it is virtually impossible to really love someone and not argue with each other at some time. Emotions are always high when you love and sometimes these emotions burst open and there is conflict. What I tried to explain to them is it is not the arguing that is the issue; it is HOW you argue.

I really think that when a couple starts learning about each other one of the most important things they need to learn is “how” each other argues. What do I mean by “how”? There are many ways to disagree and some of them do not have to be destructive. If you can leanr to "fight" constructively, then the rest of things fall into place. These are my rules.

Do not try to hurt the other person. Do not use words like, “You are....” These words place blame on the other person and immediate makes them defensive. I have seen people fight and their only goal is to hurt the other person. This only creates bad feelings without resolution.

Do not throw up things from the past. When someone trusts you with their secrets the worst thing you can do is use them against them in a fight. Talk about a quick way to dissolve trust! Would you confide in someone, no matter how much you love them, if they throw these confidences in your face during an argument?

Be respectful. I guess this goes along with the first two things I said. If you do not try to hurt your partner and have respect for who they are and their thoughts and wishes you can disagree without consequence.

Do not think about winning. Whenever you argue with ANYONE and your goal is to win or to change their mind so they are “right” like you are, you will never be happy unless the other person looses to you. How healthy is that?? If you care about someone enough to be friends or partners with them make sure you care enough to not have to change them into who you want them to be. Equal partners’ means you both are entitled to be right..and no one needs to win.

YA YA….I know what all of you who know me are thinking!! ME GIVING UP WINNING!!!! Yes, I love to argue and discuss and REALLY want everyone to be as smart as me, but alas, I have learned this is not possible. So I graciously try to let others FEEL they know something, when I know they really don’t have a clue. O.K. JUST KIDDING. It is a blast to argue politics, religion etc...but my rules are not about these things. They are about making sure that when you commit to someone you do as little as possible to undermine a relationship that will always need effort. Positive and supportive effort. Not destructive, hurtful efforts.

Why am I writing this? I don’t know except that is was an interesting discussion with them and I really think it was enlightening. All these rules are things that I, too, need to be reminded of so I thought I would write them all out so I can refer to them mentally when Maurice is driving me crazy! O.K. JUST KIDDING, again..kind of. Really, if one person reading this gets just one point off of what I have written then I am glad I took the time.

Now go hug the one you love.

P.S. Retro is running around like the puppy he is! All better...AGAIN!