REWIND

To those who have read my story from day one this title will make sense. To any newcomers, who did not start at the beginning of the blog, this, like many of the references in my writing, may not make total sense.

It has been 4 months, almost to the day, that I boarded that plane that took me through Phoenix into Cabo San Lucas to begin our new life there. Nervousness is a word that really understates my feelings and fear of the unknown. I was frightened to leave my family and friends. I was frightened to move to a place of so many things out of our control; but I guess that is life. We never really have, or can have, control over our lives. We may try. We may even fool ourselves into thinking we do have control, but I have learned we never really do. Of course we can control our own actions but since we can not control others’ actions we really do not have any control at all, do we?? Life is given to us on a daily basis and each day is as unpredictable as the day before. All is predicated on who we deal with, who we meet, and the decisions everyone makes during that encounter.

For the last few days the reality of me “going home” has been hitting me little by little. Now Maurice says I can not say “going home” anymore since our home is in Mexico now. It still feels like I am going home.

Packing has been a huge problem. First, because much of what we have is in storage so I have really nothing to pack. What I flew down here with is now going back with me. That, and some shorts and tee-shirts. (Although Jonathan sent me a message yesterday that it is supposed to SNOW in Toronto!) What am I wearing to Vanessa and Jay‘s wedding? No idea. I could not find any dress clothes in our two storage units.

Emotionally I stupidly feel fragile. I am insecure about going back. Our world in Mexico is so safe, simple and easy. Now I am going back to the traffic, the hordes of people, and CHFI. Even writing that freaks me out. I worked there for 17 years. Deep inside for the past 4 months I have felt like we were on vacation and that I would be going back. Back to my clients, back to my friends. Now I am going back; as a visitor. I remember “visitors” coming back to CHFI after leaving us for whatever reason. There is always huge excitement in the halls...people bustling around saying hello, some really excited, others not really so happy to see you back in the halls. Everyone stands around for 10 minutes and the superficial conversation flies around. Please don’t let that happen to me!!! It is kind of like going to your class reunion and having everyone say, “HEY HOW ARE YOU!!!! What are doing now?” Please...if they only REALLY knew, or cared!! There will even be some at work, like I did on occasion, that will say, “Hey, haven’t seen you in a while! Been away???” I am sure that will happen to me.

Don’t misunderstand, I am beyond excited to see the people that I really care about, and there are many. We have been in contact over the 4 months and my dear friend Susana has organized a special evening on Thursday where a huge group is getting together. Wish Maurice would be there, but he is staying behind for one more week...too much going on with our construction. ANYWAY....I am so excited about seeing all these wonderful people...yet nervous.

Silly things that I would never have thought about before are now issues. I have not had my toenails painted since December. They have been fine and very sensible since I walk barefoot on the beach every day, but now they seem unfinished. When I get to Toronto I will get a pedicure.

I have worn make-up four times in 4 months. Now I am packing my mascara, my eye shadow, and even put some on this morning cause, “I am going home.” BTW I really love not wearing make-up. But yet, this morning, I liked putting it on again.

I have lived in my Croc flip-flops almost daily for 4 months. Now I have 5 pairs of shoes packed in my carry-on...and trouser socks. TROUSER SOCKS!!!! Come on…trouser socks??

Yes, I am excited to see everyone in Toronto, yet I feel like I am going to throw up. It is that same feeling I had 4 months ago during my travels when I moved to Mexico. I still have my thumb ring on, and my “Dream a little dream” bracelet. I am tanner than when I left, but other than that nothing has changed...except everything has changed.

Later that same day...in Dallas


Boy was I right about that control thing. Up at 3am this morning. Maurice drives me the hour and a half to the airport for my 7:30 flight. First stop Dallas. Second stop Toronto with Megan picking me up and her and me heading to our Ya Ya dinner at Ann’s house. The only problem is my flight was canceled, after we sat on the airplane for two hours...some mechanical issue. Now I will not arrive into Toronto until 11:35 which is long after the Ya Ya’s will be home getting ready for their work day tomorrow. I arranged for American airlines to give me a free hotel room when I arrive...you see I have no home there anymore. WOW...that was hard to say. So my first reunion has been scraped. Here I sit in Dallas, with my $10 food voucher, waiting another 3 hours for my flight. I will land in Toronto and spend the night alone. I will take a taxi to my car in the morning, which is at Ann and Brian’s house.

O.K. sidebar here. I have an old Chrysler Sebring convertible. So old that to sell it would be worthless so we decided we would leave it in Toronto so we have a car when we come back. Ann and Brian graciously offered to keep it at the extra cottage (yes, extra cottage) for me. The bad thing is that when they went to take it here there was so much snow, and I had sold my new snow tires, so they ended up keeping it in their driveway for the winter. If you can imagine...their lovely home, in a fabulously old, large treed, beautiful neighborhood, filled with houses that most of us could never even imagine owing...there sat my car...all winter, in their driveway. That is true friendship!!! :)

Anyway, tomorrow I will get my car and begin my time in Toronto. I missed my night with my Ya Ya’s. How can I be so sad!!! Gees that sucks!!! Thank heavens we will havw three days together on Jack Lake before I leave. Tomorrow evening I have a night all alone with Susana. We need to have some time together. We missed a lot of each other’s lives in the past 4 months. I know for sure I will make this date...this I can control.

Damn!! I put on make-up for nothing!!! Do I need to wash my face tonight??!!!!